When you’ve been THROUGH it

Have you ever done something really satisfyingly exerting like a long and difficult hike? And you come out the other side of some literal bush like you are crawling through the Earth itself and then -unbeknownst to you when you were crawling through- there is fantastic view that you are rewarded with? 

Or maybe it’s more of an internal thing, a struggle of some sort, but rather than your normal negative coping strategies being employed you actually took it to God through prayer and fasting, diving deep into His holy word for the answers rather than calling everyone you know instead first? 

Admittedly those two have been rarer for me lately, but, the third one I’m just now standing out the mouth of the cave. I had been lost inside myself for quite a while and it was like each trick of light or drip of water was luring me deeper into the depths of the Earth or to the next desert dune in a vain search of water. 

Now, tenting my hand over my eyes like a makeshift visor, I peer out at the world and survey like a person emerging from their home after a storm. Let’s take in the damage, see what’s next. But, when it is internal, when you can’t really see the chaos of damage in wake, how do you assess and move on? Those last two words I have been hearing on near-constant repeat. 

‘Just move on, Court.’ Sure. Ok. It is the easiest thing in the world. Surely there is a difference though from standing and taking stock of your new, or new-to-you-again surroundings versus wallowing and decidedly not ‘moving on.’ I guess the distinction I’m making, however slight, is that there is a difference between just blindly moving on and pausing to take stock after you have been through it. 

For me it started with an INJUSTICE. That word is emphasized to give you an idea of how big this thing loomed in my world. Though it helps to know that I am an extreme justice-minded person so likely any injustice even pea-sized would impact me. Still this one felt like I was in a badly scripted TV drama and only I knew the whole story with all the bit characters bumbling around me blindly insisting that it wasn’t as crazy as it actually was. Very ‘Emperors’ new clothes’ kind of deal. 

But now it is behind me. Me, having moved on like I was so vehemently and repeatedly instructed to do, or the rest of the world charging forward at breakneck speed, or some combination of the two- I’m not sure exactly which direction the change momentum was coming from it was all so dizzying.

 

And there was no thirty-minute sitcom wrap up. No nifty little conclusion. Just, ‘move on.’ 

I often think about the woman who grabbed at Jesus’ robe. I see an image of the hand, a frail and feeble one from years’ worth of unrelenting bleeding, and how she just desperately grabbed out as he passed by. I wonder if she had been told to move on. To just live in exile, constant and never ending loneliness because she couldn’t be around men when she was bleeding. And she was never not bleeding. If, when that moment came, when that person was walking by whom tales of him healing folks had made it to her desperate ears if she just shoved into the crowd, where she was not wanted and was at best ignored, and reached out to grab something. Anything. Anyone.

I don’t have a nifty little wrap up for this. No sitcom conclusion. I am sure the one I am waiting to walk by and grab on to is the one and the same that she did. Just waiting for the chance to grab the hem and hang on for dear life. Until then I read. She bled, so I guess it could be worse. Cause that would suck. I have been reading a voracious amount so I’ll start writing about some of what has captured my very soul. I’ve also been going to book fairs, ok, so far it’s just been two but they were each a lot of fun. I’m not sure if this is what you are wanting to read right now, but well since you are a grown ass adult who can choose to stop reading whenever you want I leave it to you to do you. For my part, I am learning to be ok with some frayed edges instead of wrapping everything up. If that is nails on a chalkboard, well, I get that. 

In the meantime, I’m going to pet my cat on her belly and listen to this little rom com book that finishes my book challenge and just escape into the story and the moment.