“The fingers and the toes and all of it”

My church has an in-house theologian. He says these things that make me go: huh. So you really ‘earn’ that theology bit don’t ya? (And part of me wonders if he feels it is a tad exhausting to have us lay-people attribute such deep meaning to everything he says, if some days he is all: I just want to eat a chocolate donut and not have it ‘mean’ anything.)

We are doing a series on prayer and he was talking about different traditions and postures he had taken towards prayer when he said: “It’s the fingers and the toes and all of it..” and I think what he was saying was that not only is it important to express yourself physically- however you think best- i.e. if you feel it necessary to actually kneel then go ahead and do so, but that it was also a lining up of your very holy soul with what it is your mind and body are doing. And there’s the rub. The ‘how do you do that,’ or the sausage-making bit of praying. 

The discussion went on to what are people’s expectations of prayer and this idea that you can get God to do things like basically be a holy sniper and take out all your enemies with it. ‘That everyone gets what they are due,’ and apparently St. Thomas of Aquinas had a response to this where he said that God’s love and justice are worthy of our honor and worship. The theologian then brought the point home with: there’s nothing more meaningful than you can actually do than pray for someone. “That when I stand before God and get lost in wonder… that I will say your name when I do that…” and that is the greatest honor you can give someone else. “The most meaningful thing we can do is come before God and speak the names of those around us.” Oof this is really hard to sit with especially if you are a chronic over-achiever, ever trying to manipulate the whole world into loving you enough to let you keep living. 

Then came the input from the cheap seats. Can we talk about answers? What we pray for doesn’t always get answered. Yeah, I wanna shout, let’s talk about that! And I want to be on the other side of this, as I was just at a meeting where I as the leader had to stand before a room full of frustrated people and take all the venting. No wonder I just re-listened to ‘The Whipping Boy,’ but that’s another post. And at first the moderator starts off with a discussion on how Harold Kushner who wrote: ‘When bad things happen to good people’ which led to him stating that: God can do miraculous things but when you pray for the things specifically it may not happen and he suggested to pray instead that God will give you strength that will set you up to respond to what life brings. 

The Theologian entered the chat then again with: “What we mean by an answer is where the rub is. That’s where some formation gets to happen.” If I have prayed for a miracle and it doesn’t happen, its not ‘no’ its “that God is at work in a way I haven’t begun to see.” “God’s answer is always the same, it’s always love. There’s no other answer He’s going to give. The next question on my journey is how am I receiving your love in a new and deeper way, how are you with me now, as a person who was deprived of what I wanted in this moment, and where do I go with that. Sometimes the answer to the prayer is the deeper prayer that comes after it.” Again, oof. If there is a theme park map to this then ‘Court is Here’ on this very spot. 

This hits like a deep kind of fence-post-setting for me. It is not really anything I haven’t heard before, but right now I’m re-reading Ted Chiang’s ‘Stories of Your Life’ which is the basis of the movie ‘Arrival.’ This story gets me every time and usually churns me in its wake for several weeks each time. I’m going to totally spoil it now, so you’ve been warned, but what gets me about it is the knowledge that the main character has and how it impacts her and those around her doesn’t really change much as far as the relationship stuff. What I mean is it is basically a story about a woman who learns an alien language that allows her to see the whole of time so into the future as well. Unlike other stories on the same topic this one doesn’t really focus much on her trying to change a negative outcome, and while there is the biggest of all as she sees at the same moment a child not yet born to her the death of that same child, it focuses instead on how she navigates through certain current decisions with future knowledge. 

Maybe its that I want that future knowledge, I mean, who wouldn’t? But more it’s that the mother chooses a child despite knowing the child will exist for just the briefest moment. For me personally, that was the part that broke me. Inserting myself into this story though I am not the mother, I am the child. And God is the parent.

Another audience member asks: “The disciples asked Jesus how to pray, what does he answer and what does it mean?” The theologian answers: “He teaches them a prayer. The address of the prayer being the important bit: ‘to our Father in heaven’ as it gets back to the rhythm of you  being a child talking to your father. Asking him to care for me, to love me, to let me be your child and let me love you as my parent.”

And then our priest chimed in with some bits from a discussion the women’s group about the ‘whatever you ask in my name I will give’ bit had earlier in the week and that they landed on that the more we abide in God’s desire, the more we are already where we need to be, so we know what to ask for. When all we desire is God, we will always get what we desire. He will always give himself and give himself more and more. “The more we realize all of it is ‘yes.’”

So to sum up. All of our prayers are answered by Him with Yes, I love you child. Sometimes we may not see that ‘yes’ this side of heaven. Or sometimes what looks like ‘yes’ to others looks like ‘no’ to us, but we can’t see the whole of it. Or the timing is off and we are these little ants marching in a single line and God is a sun, this infinite ball of light wholly and holy outside of all time. If we are only praying for him to snipe our enemies than likely we won’t see that come to fruition as it is entirely outside of His love and thus the entire purpose of God. 

Maybe I’m the only one that needs to realize that last bit, I’m sure the rest of you are far more gracious and loving. In the meantime, friends, excuse me while I go say your names to the Almighty God. 

With peace and love, Court.