Do I put my whole trust in your grace and love?

This is a question in a book I’m reading through for a possible confirmation at my Episcopal church when our Bishop comes later in the fall. I say possible, because I fully reserve the right to just not be ready, or to flake out and have to wait until another time. Now, after the first official session, followed by a lovely lunch, it was made clear that my vision of this process is not accurate. I think I was picturing something similar to having to testify in court, like a giant spotlight and the Bishop rapid-fire asking complicated theology questions and, well, nope it’s not that. It’s a lot more chill. 


I keep likening this church to the turtles in Finding Nemo, because they are pretty chill about just about everything. As the main instructor, our in-house theologian (and if you read that in a snooty voice, you absolutely nailed it), said there are ‘cross issues’ and ‘everything else’. I felt myself relaxing, man, just ride the wave, chill….. 


But back to the title as that was a question that stopped me in my tracks. The first one- do you renounce satan? Absolutely. Let me at ‘em. That one though. Do you put your whole trust in his grace and love? Wow. I stopped. I don’t mean I paused, I mean I plopped down in that sentence and I sat. I wallowed. 


It was the word ‘whole’ that I was having the most trouble with. Does that mean I can’t call my friend and mentor to talk about my silly worry of the week? To ask her to pray for me? I mean, I am at the point that I remember to pray first, most times, but what exactly does ‘whole trust’ mean and require? Does it really mean I can’t worry just a little bit still and pray about the worry-thing? 


Hi, I’m Court, and I’m a worry-addict. Sometimes, I have a full-on worry-smorgasbord. Sometimes I am then rightfully ashamed. Usually when the reason for said feast ends or turns out to be nbd and I am left like the emperor with no clothes on feeling rather exposed. And. You would think I would learn after 38 years of hearing His sweet voice and following him. To trust. First. Most. Whole. 


But I am a work in progress. I fear that that one sentence is the one that is going to ‘get’ me. That I will choke out the: “I will, with God’s help.” But that each word might be guttural. From the marrow of my soul. Not cheerful and chirpy like the renouncing satan one. But. Maybe that one spooks some, how would I know? I don’t spook easy. Plus I love a clear-cut and honest-to-goodness bad guy and boy oh boy is satan ever the perfect one. 


Why would I not put my WHOLE trust in the ever perfect good guy then? The guy who came down to get it done Himself. Like, I picture Him just being like ‘let me at ‘em!!’ And just bursting forth into the plane of existence to set things, all things, right. 


So. Yes. I put my whole trust in His grace and love. How could I not? Whom have I, but Him? But. I am not the focus of that sentence. He is. His Grace. His Love. That is what to trust. 

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