Going deep with Court

It has been something I have wanted to do for the last fifteen years. March with my brother in a pride parade. My brother was gay our whole lives. My earliest memories of him would have been when he was about eight and I was two and I knew then. I can’t really explain it, but, I think it is about more than who you are intimate with.   He never really came out to our family. Growing up in the Bible Belt in the ‘80s and ‘90s it was just not something you did. You were not ‘out and proud.’ You stayed in the closet and hid, hoping you didn’t get beaten to death. Since he was six years older than me we never really got to go to school together. Still, everyone compared us to each other. I think it was the way we interacted that people noticed, but to be honest the connection ran far deeper. We just understood each other, and that was something neither of us found often. Growing up, I now realize that he often played the role of ‘protector’ for me, and maybe this is why I wanted to prote...

I worked myself up into a tizzy. It had started as a simple text exchange about a meme I sent. This is a thing I do, let me know if you want to get on my ‘meme distribution list’ as I’m not an active poster on any social media I resort to old school and just text them to you. I guess it’s mid school as I don’t print them out and mail them, but by God, one day I may resort to that. Hey the advantage of this is you can post meme x, y or z before all your friends do because your kooky friend who doesn’t use social media is a whiz at finding them somehow. (Is being a meme-maker an actual job, asking for a friend…) Anyway, she asked if I wanted to come over to her hot-tub. Later I found out she had a pool as well but she had me at hot-tub. She also asked if I wanted some adult beverages, to which I glanced over at my dear husband and he dutifully agreed to drive me because he rocks.  Once we had settled on a time I randomly thought: oh! What do normal people do in this situation? They b...

I have a person in my world who is going dark. It is a hard month with many difficult anniversaries for them. The calls- or returning calls- stopped first, and now they aren’t responding to texts.   Sometimes it happens like that- just slowly slipping down into yourself. Or like everything and everyone around you just grows dimmer and dimmer.  Those of us around the dear soul are trying to give them space, but, it’s like you don’t want your dear one to spin out into the nether so how much space is the right amount?   So you pray. You worry over their name like rubbing a rosary bead down so the color wears off. You hope that the golden bowls of prayers are being poured over them like balm to cover their wounded soul.  Loss is hard. Truly, and it can plum knock the air out of your very soul. Some of us bounce up and into ‘busy.’ Some of us sink into the dark. I’m sure there are more responses, as varied as the problems of the world, and the people in it. I think that s...

I never knew that being deep could be a bad thing. I assumed that the opposite- being shallow- was the bad thing.  But then again, I suppose that hell is quite deep down somewhere in this realm or some other. And in the deep it can be very dark. Our former pastor is starting a bible study on Job and encouraged us to read through it.    So I dutifully started and there I found it: Job 12:22 ‘He reveals the deep things of darkness and brings utter darkness into the light.’ This is a verse I could just sit in for like five years. I tend to tunnel down into things, thinking that is where the gold is, but is it possible it is just where the dark is? I have this theory that God is so massive and complex that our whole stinking lives can be spent just exploring him. My hope is this space is my offshoot of thoughts from my own exploration of that. I’m not sure I can promise to be regular with posting, but I set up a link to subscribe which should be on left side (or in a drop dow...