Hallelujah in the night

 The last time I was on-call I had to say the word ‘fiduciary,’ with alarming regularity for reasons I still don’t fully understand. I explain that for I’m trying to look on the bright side with my current on-call situation and the lack of sleep it is causing. We have a call-back or on-call rotation in which various events trigger a call in the dead of night to notify us that such and such thing has happened. 

It’s not easy doing this now, being a full decade and a half older than I was before. The roles I had in the last ten years involved a lot of work in the moment but thankfully no on-call status. They also involved much harder work hours, another thing I am thankful for.

Now I find myself days before my next rotation up in the middle of the night dreading the call. Or worse, that I’ll somehow sleep through it. Part of what may be keeping me up is new medication and treatment plan for my latest asthma flare up, which I am trying desperately to get under control before the next on-call rotation starts. 

It’s like that saying  my husband uses : don’t think about pink elephants, and what are you thinking about now but gosh-darn pink elephants. So I try to will myself to just sleep already and sleep seems the furthest thing from my reach.

I’m reminded of the ‘watches of the night,’ and choose to be thankful for interrupted sleep as it is still sleep at night. For many years I was not on call because I was already at work. Working through the dead of night for half a decade, and then another two and a half years on a swing shift that ended at midnight. Now there are people who have done that kind of work at those kinds of hours for far longer. Still. 

I will say ‘hallelujah’ in the night. I may get up and write some, hoping if I get enough words out on a page maybe my mind can finally turn off. I try to do the healthy things like drink chamomile tea and maybe read my Bible and not the unhealthy things like accidentally grab caffeinated tea or play games on my brightly lit phone till two am. Mostly, I pray. Ask Him to gently lead me to sleep and please let me stay that way without the jolt of a three am call. 

Sometimes all you can do is just say ‘hallelujah’ in the night and try to go back to bed. Sometimes all you can do is ‘hallelujah’ your way through things. To remind yourself that the ‘hallelujah’ is truly coming.